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People choose what they want to see, but what is hidden beneath I wish to seek.

ANA JUNELLA
Nineteen years young.
UST BS Psychology. Senior.
I don't have the perfect guy, but I have the best boyfriend <3
I'm not a nutcase, I'm a nutella-case.



Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng nanay na hindi masayang makakagraduate on time yung anak nya, na sasabihin pa sayong dapat kasi nagshift ka na this year walang pupuntahan yang inaral mo. Ngayon ko lang narealize na balewala pala lahat para sa nanay ko. Ang mahalaga nasusunod yung gusto nya. Ngayon ko lang narealize na hindi ko pala talaga buhay kundi pangalawang buhay ng nanay ko.

Nagsimula yan dahil nalaman nya na di ako makakakuha ng 2nd degree sa UST dahil hindi nila yun pinapayagan. Nagalit sya, tapos sabi nya dapat nung simula palang ng 4th year ko eh nagshift na ko. Oo, nagalit sya kasi hindi ko sinayang yung tatlong taon na pinaghirapan ko sa psychology dahil may iba syang gusto para sakin. Gusto nya,  sya lang ang may gusto. Natanong na ba nya ko kung ano talaga ang gusto ko?

Ano nga bang gusto ko?

Four years ago, kukuha ako ng ng USTet. Natatandaan ko pa. Habang nakatitig ako sa scantron cards, nakatingin ako sa list ng courses na pwede kong kunin. Gusto ng nanay ko pre-med ang kunin ko, kasi pangarap nya yun. Kasi yun ang best para sa’kin. Ang gusto ko talaga eh AB Literature. Pero dahil gusto ng nanay ko pre-med, sige psychology nalang. Mukha namang masaya. Pero ako, hindi masaya.

Apat na taon. Apat na taon ng pagdurusa sa isang course na hindi ko naman talaga gusto. Na wala naman talaga dun yung puso ko. Imbes na schoolbooks at pagrereview ang ginagawa ko, nagbabasa ako ng kung ano anong libro. Kasi hindi ko talaga mamotivate yung sarili ko na magaral. Kahit anong pilit, hindi ko magawa.

Sa classroom, hindi ko magawang makinig. Kahit anong pilit ko lilipas ang ilang minuto, tulala nalang ako. Di ko na naabsorb lahat ng tinuturo sa’min. Tanungin mo ko ngayon kung ano natutunan ko, wala akong maisasagot. Hindi dahil sa hindi magaling ang mga professor ko, pero dahil wala talaga dun yung gusto ko.

Don’t get me wrong, I gave it my best shot. The best I can give kahit na wala naman talaga dun yung passion ko. I can tell you, I could exert twice as much effort if I was in the course I wanted.

Sa loob ng apat na taon pinaniwala ko yung sarili ko na gusto ko talaga ang psych. Well, gusto ko naman talaga. Pero alam kong mas magiging masaya ako sa iba.

Wala akong backbone. Wimp. Loser. Kagabi ko lang narealize na ang loser ko, not for the social reasons pero dahil pinabayaan ko na yung nanay ko yung magtakeover sa buhay ko. Wala akong sariling desisyon kasi sya lang yung may karapatan magdecide.

Okay na sana di ba? Sinunod ko gusto nya. Nasa pre-med ako. Magtatake dapat ako ng nmat, para tuparin yung pangarap nya para sa sarili nya kaso nagbago isip nya. Yan ang problema sa nanay ko, ngayon ito ang gusto nya, bukas iba na.

One year to go. Gusto nya kong magshift, speech path naman. Sabi ko wag kasi sayang naman yung pinagdusa ko sa Psych. Pumayag sya, eh ngayon hindi ako pwedeng magsecond degree. Galit sakin ang nanay ko. Kasi hindi ako nagshift, kasi ggraduate ako sa course na hindi na nya gusto para sa’kin.

I went through every level of hell imaginable just to be able to graduate. Kasi kung hindi mo gusto yung ginagawa mo doubleng hirap yung dadanasan mo. Tapos sa finish line ang maririnig mo sa nanay mo ‘Bakit kasi hindi ka nagshift nung sinabi ko? Wala kang pupuntahan dyan sa tinapos mo.’

Oo kasi kasalanan ko, kasi ako pumili nito. Ganun naman di ba? Pag maganda yung result dahil tama desisyon mo, pero pag kulelat kasalanan ko.

Ngayon ayoko na. Hindi na ko susunod sa gusto mo. Hindi ko na hahayaang masira ng mga desisyon mo yung buhay ko. Hindi ko kasalanang hindi mo naabot yung pangarap mo, pero kasalanan ko kung hindi ko maaabot yung sa’kin. Hindi ko hahayaan na ikaw magdecide kung pano ko sisirain buhay ko, kasi kaya ko yun. Panahon na para tubuan naman ako ng self-respect. Tapos ka na, ako naman.

Last night was really tough, I’ve been going through emotional stress at the moment with the added difficulties of trying to fit in everything that needs to be done, and its getting to me.

One thing you should know (if you haven’t figured it out already) is that I’m full of pride, sometimes when you’ve hit an all time low pride is really all that you’ve got. Another thing is that I’m a really passive person. Put those two together mixed with drama and poof, a recipe for disaster.

I am not getting into specifics because I do not blog so that gossip mongrels could take a whiff of my life, but to vent and let it all out. And venting I shall do.

I’m going to start by saying its my fault. Usually my being passive saves me a lot of shit to fix and that’s good, this time though that trait has put me into deep shit.

I am not one to grovel, I give up easily, I don’t really exert a lot of efforts into a relationship. In my mind, whats done is done and if that’s what you want then fine, I will not beg for you to change your mind. I go on.

I guess I’ve found the person that’s an exception to every rule that I’ve ever had. Last night every ounce of pride that’s left in me vanished as I got to my knees and begged for him to forgive me, to fix it; he wouldn’t even look at me.

I know it sounds really bad but I’m only holding up because of him. Long story short, with begging and lots of crying I was forgiven. But its not the same as before as we’re both hunted by that mistake. One mistake.

I don’t know if its just plain paranoia on my part but I hope it gets better. I’m willing to work on it, I really am. All I want is to just go back to the easy way we used to work. But I guess life isn’t always easy and the universe has this quota of happiness before you reach a halt. I guess I’ve used up my quota and I’m in the halt.

And I know I’m gonna spend a significant amount of time trying to make up for my fuck up but whatever, I gotta do what I gotta do.

Well they went to the movies but I don’t feel like baby sitting my cousins while watching a film wherein Marian Rivera is starring… so yeah. I’d rather be inside with my non school related books and catch up on some reading.

But Imma take lots of photos from the photobooth and be merry.

Whats up with your Christmas?

ohpleasedropdead said: I haven't had time to send the shirt =(

AW :( Thats too bad, its alright as long as you send it. :) Happy Christmas! Maybe I’ll wear it Valentines day :D

Arch of the Centuries. @UST Paskuhan 2011

Arch of the Centuries. @UST Paskuhan 2011

davisnedward:

But I just finally got time to watch the finale of America’s Next Top Model: All Stars. And I have a few choice thoughts:

  • That Covergirl shoot was stupid as hell. Like really. Allison looked amazing and Angelea looked like a ghetto ho. 
  • Allison clearly rocked the Vogue Italia shoot better than the other two.
  • The final runway show, let’s be real. Swimming: Allison wins. Flying: Allison wins. Looking beautiful and not like a crazy bitch on the runway: Allison wins by far. 
  • The final judging was a joke. Like all the amazing things they said about Allison, then they pick meth face Lisa? Seriously? You could tell the whole time that Allison was over it, especially when she had to give Lisa that fake ass congratulations hug. 
  • Tyra’s hair is busted. She needs to stop it with those ugly bangs and put back on her long red weave from the old days.

Seriously like that was the biggest waste of a cycle. Wasting Allison’s talent like that. Forget cycle 18. Who cares if its US vs UK. Top Model is done. 

May Popeyes Chicken pa ba sa Manila or Pinull-out na nilang lahat?

hana-y-hani:

i wanted one ever since!

THIS CHRISTMAS. PLEASE.

hana-y-hani:

i wanted one ever since!

THIS CHRISTMAS. PLEASE.